There is a lot...

Silence. I need silence. I am sitting in front of a wall full of quotes and proverbs about how silence is a fence around wisdom; the mother of truth. My mind is not quiet, never quiet. And lately, she hasn't been saying very nice things either. Do you ever have it when you turn your back on yourself? You don't show up for your commitments, yoga classes, or work. And on top of that, you have this sense of indifference towards whether you do show up. You pledge you won't go for it but then you do, telling yourself it doesn't really matter. Maybe your parents didn't make it to your basketball games every weekend or stayed throughout the course of your horse riding lessons. Maybe you brought grandpa to Father's day instead.

There is a lot to why we do what we do when we reach adulthood. There is a lot underneath the most frustrating of our patterns (though to the good ones too), and you begin to realize these might be a reflection of specific gaps, unfulfilled in your childhood. Why you can't keep consistency long enough to create a habit; why you fall for emotional unavailability, inconsistent demonstrations of love, and bad communication; why you resort to food to suppress anxiety; why you struggle to take compliments on your appearance; why you have never felt a sense of community; why melancholy is so familiar to you; or even why you refuse to have more than one pillow in your bed. There is a lot to all of these little struggles.

This was supposed to be one of those inspiring posts, in which I tell you that I have reached a culminating stage of wisdom and learning... and yet, a meltdown is the closest thing I am about to reach right now... because for a short while, you thought to have grown out of these patterns. You thought you were rising above, growing and creating the life you wanted for yourself; until you let it slip underneath your feet for a foolish mistake.

And that's where I went wrong. On that last sentence of the previous paragraph right there. That right there is an example of what my mind has been telling me lately. On my usual days, I am of the belief that nothing is ever lost. I am of the belief we can rectify most of our actions, even if we can't change the past; that we get to change our minds in most scenarios, and recognize U-turns in our words, because that's how the world rolls. If you think about it, science evolves by mistake. History is full of mistakes, some of which we thankfully stop replicating. We learn from mistakes. We evolve from mistakes. Mistakes are a driving force for knowledge and transformation - which begs the question of whether there are such things as mistakes. Because on most of my days, I too call these things a lesson.

So, I know what you are thinking - she came here to feel sorry for herself, to blame daddy and mommy for her shortfalls, to finally say something inspiring and leave us hoping for the best. But that's not the point. I do sometimes catch my thoughts feeling sorry for myself and snap out of it. I stopped blaming my parents a long time ago because I feel nothing but empathy towards human beings who place upon themselves the responsibility of raising a newborn [plus, they've done a much better job with my brother and that says something about learning from experience]. Point is, once you identify where you fall short, you are able to rectify it.

Looking back, my 'mistake' wasn't by mistake because at the time I knew relatively well what I was getting myself into and why. I made a conscious choice to take a U-turn on existing knowledge and neglected my best interest. Hence, I disagree with Confucious, "silence is [not] the true friend that never betrays". To remain silent when you know best is to allow for the continuation of things the way they are. It is to allow for the status quo of your life (and more). I guess that is why it's so important to identify those gaps in your past to make better choices in your future because no matter how much you didn't ask for them, they were placed upon you and will keep manifesting through your actions. It's time to fill in those gaps. For a start, I need to (re)start showing up for myself more often than not.

If you are anything like me (a goal-oriented person) it might be hard to focus on a process which you can't delineate an end result for. Yet, you can split it into little end results (i.e., going to all your classes this week, making it to the gym every two days), and on the bigger picture - you will probably get there: to a better place; and when you do, must remember that "this time you're not starting from scratch, you are starting from experience".

After all, this really was one of those inspiring posts (at least for me). Hope you enjoyed it,

Love,

M.