Inner Clocks

First term of my second year of university felt like a blessing. I was waking up at 6:30 am roughly every weekday. I would journal right after cleaning my face, and my phone would remain turned off pretty much until 10:30 am, which was about the time I finished studying for the day. That was amazing, and I am so proud of myself for having had that routine. Not only was sh*t together, I felt better with myself. It's kinda funny... I checked my journals from back then, and in fact, I failed the wake-up call quite a few times. I thought I was restricting myself, but quite the opposite.

On the third of October, I wrote, "I have my priorities well-defined... but it doesn't mean I should close myself to other things, or get disappointed for not getting what I want"; "No time is lost if it makes you feel true to yourself", I added. Oh past-Maria, you were so wise! A funny thing about journaling, you pick up on lessons you've already learned and realise you need to re-learn or re-apply them over again. Defective humanity.

And the problem is, in my head, I created this idea that I was religiously following those steps when in reality, I was just listening to my body, mind, and soul more than ever, thus why I felt so good. However, as I associated that feeling with the automatisation of those actions, I started to feel unhappy when I couldn't "get back on it". Along with this "personal misalignment" emerge other habits (not necessarily bad, but) that don't serve the purposes I strive to pursue.

Who am I listening to? Not the same 'me' as when I was in a serene peace of mind state back then. Am I trying to live up to the expectations I think people have of me? Perhaps. I tend to do that. I don't want to "let anyone down" as much as I know nobody could care less about what I am doing with my life cus everyone is too busy minding their own - or, at least most people are.

You know, sometimes all I want is to treat myself with a fine margarita pizza while delighting over some Woody Allen film I had never heard about. Other, I just want to stay in bed, watch a bunch of youtube videos until I reach some kind of epiphany at 00:30 am and decide to put it into a blog post! And why would I not? Why stress about having the perfect schedule? My body is not happy, my mind is not in peace, and my soul... well, at least my soul is in love.

X.